And with the twisting of a knife
it all commences

a regret,
a longing or wish that something
which happened
did not

I’ll sit here
in the middle of the night
clasping on to my knees
searching for that protective glove

waiting more than anything
for it all to be over
for a sacrificial thrust
doing to me
what I never could for myself

and the funniest thing
is I’m not even sick
it’s all in my head
just like everything else that’s real

I realize that I am
my own made up character
made real only by my attention
and others by the transitive property

hold me tight
as I grasp you
even in the moment
I still doubt myself

doubt your compliance
and your reasoning
one small comment
and my treatment
has now become my affliction

you are the mother if I’m the father
If I create
It’s in you
because of you
you are the vessel which breeds my hate

with your many faces
and body’s
your very soul isn’t even shared
but still you are
my lack luster
The cause for my decay

Being happy is overrated

It truly is
at least now seems to be my reality

But, if this is how i feel,
perhaps it means happiness has gone away
I wish you had let me keep it
over something as mundane as this
taking away my long sought prize possession

or rather not
I never said I wanted to be happy
it was always someone else’s goal
to be content with the happenings
with what’s going on
and having things happening in the future
that is mine

though I honestly would be happy
to feel myself with someone
to feel that yearning
to see in their eyes and motion
that they want it more then I do

my brain wont rest
my head can’t sleep
my thoughts are lingering
desire is pulling me in

to think
the similarity between
love
and love making is this

both you can’t get out of your head
like a haunting ghost
it follows you to your deepest parts
never leaving you alone

it plagues your dreams while you sleep
and is your waking thought when you roam
that’s the catch22 of it all
your only happy in the action
and you can’t get away if you try

I sometimes find life to be exhausting
between the repetitions
and constant need for perseverance
I often finding myself in a constant state of near narcolepsy

I know she wants it
but I’m afraid I’ll hurt her
I don’t wanna mess up
something that’s not supposed to be serious in the first place

It doesn’t make sense, I know and can accept that
but what I can’t except is to
act on an urge
and do what I know will be worth it

I mean,
what the worst that can happen
she says no
oh how horrid it would be
I know she won’t flip out
I’ve already tested the waters
but still this little tick in the back of me head
of that memorable tick
keeps screaming out
that it would be a bad idea

I need this
I tell my head
but it continues
to think and stop
me from getting what I want and deserve

and I want is a kiss
maybe more
jut to know I can do it

if he hadn’t fucked with my head so much
I know I’d be able to grab it
but instead it slips my grip
keeps me yearning for more

So yea
I’ll admit it
I’m pretty happy
things arn’t great
probably never will be
but things are good

I’m content
which is good because
that is a
basis for everything

I’ll hold on tightly to this
because I have it
which I’m beginning to realize
is really something

I worry
that happiness
is an end for me
that it will
end myself
because this and me
is based on my losses
my lack of ability

I’ve enjoyed the irony
of my lack of skill being my ability
I hope I still know what I’m doing
otherwise I don’t know

I might have to do something drastic
to show I still got nothing left

Alright
I’ll admit it
I’ve taken advantage
of a good thing

I’ve taken my outlet
the real me
the person inside
and trying to turn it into profit

I’ve become that which I hate
In order to do what I love?

no, that doesn’t make sense
though I’ll admit
even this is an attempt
but a last attempt at that

perhaps it’s a loss of footing
while trying to scale a mountain
I find comfort at where I am
with my foot dug in deep
pushed in over time
I new sort of warmth sets in
and I have found myself again

now I reach out,
into a scary new world
on a new ledge.
new dangers intact

which is fine,
a comfort zone
brings you nothing
but eventual loss

but here is my err
I try to take with it,
the fancied warmth
of the previous ledge

but my fire is non existent
and my nest is beneath me
the bones are foreign
and just plain odd

so for me to
no
I’m still trying
fuck it

fuck poetic
suave and sexy
I’m lost I’ll tell you that
and perhaps that’s all I have
All I’ll ever have to find my self
is the fact that I’ll never find myself

so fuck my ideas
my notions of dreaming
I’ll be honest and true
go back to my roots
rip up the pages as I write them
on go on forward

Yea, I could change myself
morph into some the type of person you want
throw a new facade on
become the precious stone you want

and sure, I can be the asshole
the jerk
the substitute for someone you’d want
to satisfy what I feel I want or need

and I’m not done,
still raw in the middle from the last time I got burned

I hope you don’t think of me as a game
I know I’m fun
and can keep you entertained
but I think I deserve more the that

I’ll hold you tight
keep you warm
wish you well
and whisper into your ear everything you think need to hear

you’ll use me like degradable paper
Put me in places no one deserves
preparing for something you want
what you really deserve

when your done
all clean a prepared
I’m tossed aside
ready to be recycled
and used again

and what’s most sick about this
is me, it was never you
I want to be used
I want to be tortured
I know you don’t want me
it would never work
but I still fight

and I’m confused
Used and neglected
I want this to work
show my progress
but I can’t
over thinking never works
perhaps I should have quit while I was ahead

Your so stupid,
you godforsaken son of nothing
lighten up
pretend to care

do something that shows your human
alive
of or worth value
to someone other then yourself

a doppelganger sits alone is in room
crying out to reach someone
someone he knows
can trust

they are all busy
even I
busy
no one has time for the over worked
and under…
well under

to spend a night alone
nothing for comfort but
the idea that sleep with come swiftly
and last long

your body will heal
as sleep is it’s savior
but the mind will go weary
for it never truly rests

I’ll press your reset button
if I find the time
I’ll hold all accountable
as if from a pedestal

I have a complex
but that’s not the point
tonight he won’t sleep alone
and all will be happy

I decided to do a theme blog called “Color Me Livid” I would write a poem and try to express it in a color. I had a lot of fun with this one, and often went to wikipedia to try to find just the right shade for me words.

Enjoy

Tell me something,
anything
let me know you exist
that your more then just in my head

this goes out to all of you
anyone who reads
cares
needs

to the writers who failed
to the mothers who always regret
to the father who made a mistake
the kids who were blamed

you exist
you’re a live
or at least…
I hope so

if your gone, I’m sorry
if you never existed, I’m crazy
if your dying, I’ll save you
if your dead then I failed

everything’s a circle
everything’s a lie
you’re less then I hoped for
but more then I deserve

this is a good bye
this is a hello
a retardendo
and the other word that means the opposite of that

Good bye dear listener
I hope your trip goes well
I’ve learned from you
and I hope you have too

I hope to see you again
because I need you more then you know
but I hope you can get beyond that too
you deserve the world and I hope you get it

signed
I love you

Certain people and things
Make me happy
Some things
Do not

Just because
I’m not happy all the time around you
Doesn’t mean
You aren’t one who does

I live life in it’s only sense
After being around for a bit
You start to realize
Just how fickle a tone can be

My mood is generally based
On a combination
Of who I’m with
What I’m doing
And whether or not I’ve had a good year.

So to put it in lemans terms
I’ll generally be
On the down side of a hang over

But I like to think of myself
As a positive pessimist

I think down on myself
But highly of others
To me
Your ability to wake up
Put on shoes
Disregard an insult
And walk out of the house in the morning
Is something worth a little more then notice

Give me a break you savage
I’m the other half of a ghost
And if I believe in you
The least you could do is believe in yourself to